‘I am always
amazed at the number of keys and artifacts some people carry around…’
By Bill Kalmar
Oct. 7, 2011 -
We are told that St. Peter has the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven and that he stands in front of a wrought iron gate only allowing in certain
people who have lived exemplary lives. I suspect that he has only one large key - maybe a skeleton key (heh heh)!
Anyway, he is surely unlike
the millions of Americans who everyday lug around circular metal rings containing multiple keys, laminated family pictures, a Swiss army
knife, and access cards with a barcode from various department stores, coffee shops, and super markets.
I am always
amazed at the number of keys and artifacts some people carry around in their pockets, jackets and purses. Some are reminiscent of what a
dungeon guard might be carrying. To get a good sampling of key rings, look no further than a parking valet’s board. There you will see key
fobs with a couple of keys and of course a wad of keys that at times must weigh several pounds.
No biker helmet laws in some states, lots of corn for E85, return the coffee sleeve? Special: plea for unity on 9-11
- By Bill Kalmar, Retiree - Sept. 2, 2011
For me, I have
a remote key fob my car; two keys for our home; and two barcode access cards.
Just the other
day as I was compiling information for this column and interviewing some people at our gym a young lady displayed to me a key ring containing
twelve keys and eleven barcode access cards. When queried about the keys she was able to identify and recognize only five keys. Several of the
keys appeared as if they might fit a suitcase and one was for a now defunct hotel in Amarillo, Texas.
The barcode
access cards were just as outdated as there were several for the now closed Borders Bookstore. As is the custom of most people with wads of
keys and barcode access cards, my friend was reluctant to remove any of the keys. Heck, there might be a key to some hidden treasure in a safe
deposit box somewhere!
Many years ago
I had occasion to lend an office key to an FBI agent who needed to do some surveillance work after hours at our company. I reminded him that
there was only one key to the office and it was etched with the words: “Do not duplicate”. After the project was completed the agent gave me
an envelope containing five keys all etched with the words: “Do not duplicate”. When I asked how he was able to circumvent that admonition on
the key, he matter of factly stated: “We’re the FBI”. Well, so much for key security!
And speaking of
keys, comedian Jerry Seinfeld once wondered if there is a key for airliners. He mused that it would be interesting and yet entertaining to
have the pilot announce that “there will be a slight delay since I forgot the key to the plane. I left it in my apartment”.
As an override
to not having a key, some car companies are now offering a keyless start. Not sure though how one enters the automobile without a key. Maybe
using a code displayed on the outside door is the answer.
One of my
favorite Alfred Hitchcock movies is about a key, namely the classic, “Dial M For Murder”. In the movie, Ray Milland plays the jilted husband
of Grace Kelly and he concocts a plan to have her killed by a petty criminal.
Part of the
plan calls for the would-be assailant to enter the apartment using a latchkey left for him under the carpet by the staircase outside the
apartment. The plot thickens when multiple keys somehow are introduced into the plot by police. I would continue with the plot but then I
would have to post a “warning spoiler”, so just rent the movie. You will be in for a treat.
So in summary,
take a look at your keys and determine if you can name all the doors, cars, boxes, rooms, and lockers that each key opens. If not, it may be
time to lessen your load.
Sometime down
the road I’m hoping to watch St. Peter use his special key and open the proverbial gates of Heaven. But for now, for me, there is only one key
that is the most important one in my life – my wife Mary holds the key to my heart. Okay all together now – AAH!
L Bill Kalmar is retired in Lake Orion, Michigan,
and is the former Director of the Michigan Quality Council. He is a
frequent contributor to SeniorJournal.com. His opinions are his own.
Oct. 7, 2011 -
We are told that St. Peter has the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven and that he stands in front of a wrought iron gate only allowing in certain
people who have lived exemplary lives. I suspect that he has only one large key - maybe a skeleton key (heh heh)! 
