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Opining of a Cranky Old Man
Cranky Old Retiree Has a Lump or
Two for Those Boys and Girls a Bit Naughty in 2010
‘…for the youngsters who might
have been a bit ornery during the year there was always the proverbial
lump of coal in a sock’
 By Bill Kalmar, Retiree
Dec. 16, 2010 - Christmas
morning is always an exciting time for millions of boys and girls who
have been good all year. Laden under a beautifully decorated tree will
be an assortment of gifts - some electronic gizmos, maybe a doll or two,
some sports equipment, and maybe even some clothes. When we were growing
up many years ago there might have been a buggy whip or a butter
churner! No, just kidding, but back then an Erector Set or a Sears J.C.
Higgins bicycle was a most welcome gift from Santa.
But for the youngsters who
might have been a bit ornery during the year there was always the
proverbial lump of coal in a sock. We lived in a home with a coal fired
furnace so there was always an abundance of the black ore and most of
the time it seemed to appear in the socks of my brothers and I for
whatever reason.
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And, that brings me to sharing
a lump of coal with people who I think either irritated or upset us, or
did something bizarre or stupid, in the past year that qualifies them
for this special distinction. Let’s call this Santa’s naughty boys and
girls list.
In that regard, a lump of coal
goes to:
● The oil companies who
keep raising the price of gas for no apparent reason. At least tell us
that a polar bear ate through the Alaskan pipeline. This would be more
understandable than some of the excuses we have been given in the past!
● People who save seats at
church services for family members or guests who either arrive late or
who never show up. Solution? No seats can be saved during the ten
minutes before the service starts! Let the tardy ones sit in a folding
chair in the vestibule!
● Stores who do not allow their staff to wish us a “Merry Christmas”
for fear of upsetting some customers or the ACLU. When I encounter this
situation I always make it a point to wish everyone within earshot a
loud and enthusiastic “Merry Christmas”. And for the record, it is a
Christmas tree not a Holiday tree!
● People who send out
Christmas cards with a printed address label along with their names
printed inside the card. What am I? A business! If you can’t take the
time to at least sign your name inside, don’t send me a card!
● Store personnel who don’t
greet us or smile and act as if we are imposing on their time. Maybe a
trip to their competition will locate a salesperson who really wants my
business!
● SUV owners with four
wheel drive who insist on barreling down the expressway even with a half
foot of snow as we attempt to dodge their NASCAR antics.
● Radio stations that
insist on playing any Christmas song by Alvin and the Chipmunks. It’s
over for the Chipmunks!
● Any TV or radio
weatherperson who predicts enormous amounts of snow only to discover
that it passed by our region. With all the satellites and all the
Doppler equipment available to these weather prognosticators, why do
they get it wrong so often? Baseball players have a batting average.
Let’s have these snow predictors give us their “weathering” average. For
me, I’ll rely on Punxsutawney Phil for my daily forecast!
● Shoppers who totally
ignore the Salvation Army Red Kettle bell ringers. This is a once a year
event and even some loose change is appreciated. Come on – drop some
coins in the kettle!
● Mall parking lot drivers
who enter their car, adjust their seat and mirrors, take a swig of some
beverage, start and warm up their car, and then put their back up lights
for what seems like an eternity while others are anxiously awaiting to
enter their slot. How about enrolling in “Backing Up A Car In A Mall
Parking Lot 101”?
● Anyone who designed the
new Kroger in The Village of Grosse Pointe Farms with the revolving
door! Have you ever tried to push a grocery cart through a revolving
door? And the parking slots in the rear of the store are so small that
only people driving Yugos can safely be accommodated.
● Creeps who pilfer or
damage figurines in outdoor Nativity scenes. Lowlifes caught doing this
will be sentenced to portraying a donkey in a live Nativity scene!
● Tiger Woods, Charlie
Sheen, former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and former Presidential
Candidate John Edwards for their boorish behavior. All have qualified
themselves to be donkeys in a live Nativity scene!
● The group of miscreants
from the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas who protest at funerals and
who desecrate the American flag. These jerks get a full sock of coal!
And isn’t there an opening for them at Guantanamo Bay Cuba?
● Justin Bieber and Miley
Cyrus – just because.
● Politicians on the
National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform (NCFRR) who
have put the Malcolm Baldrige National Quality Award Program on the
possible chopping block in order to reduce expenses. Frankly, this is
one of the few government programs that actually works. Just ask the
thousands of award winners including those at the state level that have
dramatically improved their performance by winning or even just applying
for the award!
● Airlines that charge fees
for incidentals such as pillows, or a fee for carry-on luggage. What’s
next – a restroom fee!
● And a lump of coal for
yours truly for being so cantankerous. I’m sure that I have left out
some deserving recipients of coal and perhaps you too have some
candidates.
My wish though is that
everyone enjoys a wonderful Holiday Season. And if we should happen to
bump into each other over the next couple of weeks, be prepared to be
wished a Very Merry Christmas. Being politically correct is not in my
DNA!
L Bill Kalmar is retired in Lake Orion, Michigan,
and is the former Director of the Michigan Quality Council. He is a
frequent contributor to SeniorJournal.com. His opinions are his own.
Note: Tin of coal used as graphic with this
article can be ordered
Here.
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