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Guarding Your Wealth for Senior Citizens
Tough Love: Children Protecting an Ailing Parent
When Roles Reverse
Love really becomes tough when the parent/child roles
are reversed
By Jeffrey D. Voudrie, CFP
 August 2, 2007 - Anyone with children understands
the phrase “tough love”. Doing what is in the best interest of our
children isn’t always something they agree with or even understand. But
love really becomes tough when the parent/child roles are reversed as
our parents become elderly. Knowing how to respect their freedom,
maintain their dignity and yet protect them from themselves is a tricky
balancing act at best. At worst, it can become a major confrontation,
involving heated arguments, broken relationships and legal action.
Such is the situation facing one of our readers.
She writes: “My mother is 76 and
was diagnosed with Dementia a couple of years ago after the death of my
father. We had assumed that her strange behavior while he was dying was
from stress, when it continued after his death we had her tested.
Neurology revealed heaps of mini strokes and perhaps water on the brain.
“Recently a woman who has previously milked large
sums of money and a vehicle from my parents reappeared on the scene. My
mother had had an aversion to this woman, and the entire family was very
concerned with the renewal of acquaintance…my mother having now
forgotten the things that had previously upset her.
We have tolerated her occasional visits, because my mother was so
angry when we suggested the woman might not be good company…but
something happened this week that has badly upset us.”
Our reader goes on to describe in detail how this
dubious woman, who happens to be a long-haul truck-driver, talked her
elderly mother into riding along on a two-week road trip, sleeping in
her 18-wheeler. The woman lied to the family about where they were
going, and even bragged that the mother was thinking about changing her
will. With the mother’s numerous health problems, our reader and her
family were obviously concerned about their mother’s safety, especially
when Mom called home from a state hundreds of miles from where they were
supposed to be going.
The situation has gone from bad to worse, as this
woman has managed to turn the mother against her children. These are
responsible children who used to have a wonderful relationship with
their mother. She relied on them for advice on everything. They even
have power of attorney for assets and medical decisions. But these
documents don’t give them the ability to protect their mother from
herself or those wishing to take advantage of her.
And that’s the rub, not just for our reader, but
for every adult child of an elderly, declining parent. Even if they have
a living trust, even if they have given you powers of attorney for
assets and medical decisions, even if your name is on their checking
account, you still can’t protect Mom or Dad from making terrible
decisions.
Yes, you want them to remain independent and you
want to honor their wishes. Parents should be able to make their own
decisions for as long as possible, even decisions you might not agree
with. But there’s a difference between respecting their dignity and
allowing them to become victims of their failing competence.
The problem is knowing how to handle this
“in-between” period between competence and total incompetence. Our
reader makes this point vividly: “(Mom) is vulnerable. We want to
protect her, but it appears we can’t until she is drooling in a
wheelchair.”
So what is our reader to do? The bottom line is
that the children don’t have the legal authority needed to adequately
protect their mother. They need to be legally responsible for her
‘person’. They need to become her court appointed conservator.
The thought of getting attorneys and the courts
involved may seem harsh. But it may be necessary. During the process,
there is an attorney appointed to represent the mother. She is given
psychological and physical exams designed to determine her competance.
Someone else is only granted conservatorship if the court agrees that
she isn’t able to adequately care for herself. This process protects
the rights of the parent even though the parent may not be in a position
to protect themselves.
Dealing with failing parents is very difficult to
say the least. In certain situations, though, it takes tough love to do
what is in their best interest, even if they don’t agree with you or
understand.
If you have a specific question or would like more
information, give me a call toll-free at 1-877-827-1463 or you can also reach me by email at
jeff@guardingyourwealth.com.
I will answer your financial question FREE.
About Guarding Your Wealth:
“Guarding Your Wealth” is a
nationally syndicated weekly personal finance column written by Jeffrey
D. Voudrie, CFP. Mr. Voudrie is the President of Legacy Planning Group,
a private wealth management firm that employs sophisticated proprietary
strategies designed to protect and grow its clients' investments. Visit his website,
www.guardingyourwealth.com to read past articles under the Guarding
Your Wealth Article Archive that may not have appeared in
SeniorJournal.com.
Guarding Your Wealth for Seniors, on
SeniorJournal.com, is
a collection of columns by Voudrie that deal with issues of particular
interest to senior citizens.
Click here
for all columns.
In addition to being a nationally
syndicated columnist and Certified Financial Planning Practitioner, Mr.
Voudrie provides personal, private money management services to select
private clients
nationwide.
Looking for an energetic expert who
is passionate about financial and wealth management? Mr. Voudrie is an
excellent speaker who will excite and inspire your audience. Mr. Voudrie
is available for a limited number of speaking engagements, television
appearances and radio talk shows. For bookings, email
jeff@guardingyourwealth.com.
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