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Father's Day Feature
Is It OK for Guys to Hug on Father's Day?
By Lee Van Donselaar
Many American males simply refuse to hug another
man. This is true in peer relationships as well as in family
relationships. Sadly, for these same males, it will feel too awkward —
possibly even forbidden — to hug their dads on Father's Day.
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| Lee Van
Donselaar is a licensed psychologist and a staff member of the
Counseling Center at Ball State University. |
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A hug is an important and fundamental way of
communicating a son's love to his father. Sons who opt, instead, for a
handshake or giving a greeting card may be left with a nagging feeling
they've somehow missed out.
What could cause a man to avoid physical contact
with his own father?
Though it varies by cultural background, hugging is
often viewed as unmanly. To be unmanly is to risk showing weakness or to
be perceived as feminine. These are two unwritten rules in masculine
ideology that men dare not break. Males are socialized to believe that
showing any emotion other than anger is a sign of weakness.
If being perceived as feminine is not bad enough,
hugging may expose men to subtle or not-so-subtle suggestions that they
are gay. The underlying factor is homophobia, the fear of and/or hatred
for homosexuals, which is repugnant. It leads to many problems in our
society, it is all too prevalent and probably does affect the behavior
of many heterosexual men. Thus, a man who opts for a handshake is taking
the safer route — simultaneously viewed as strong and masculine.
Another factor underlying a man's hesitation to hug
is "father hunger." As a result of the masculine ideology, many men grow
up not truly knowing their fathers, who may have been physically or
emotionally absent. Boys often grow up desperately seeking closeness
with their fathers while being furious at them for being absent.
Boys may also suffer from a lack of role modeling. A youngster who has
never received a hug grows up not knowing how to give one. These factors
can make such a seemingly simple gesture both uncomfortable and
confusing.
Is there hope for a son who secretly wants to hug
his father but has thus far found himself unable to do so? There have
been signs of cracks in the ways men view masculinity. Following Super
Bowl XXXIV, Dick Vermeil, winning coach of the St. Louis Rams, cried
openly as he talked about his players and hugged them without
reservation. With his square jaw and status as an NFL head coach, he
told us that a man can show his emotions while being both strong and
masculine.
So guys, give your father a hug this Father's Day.
Know that a hug says that you love him. It is a statement of emotional
strength, not weakness. If you're the first in your family to do this,
recognize that you've begun a new tradition. Save any ambivalence for
another day. It is a day to honor the very best in your relationship.
Happy Father's Day, dad, and Happy Father's Day to
you too, son.
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